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Living
Boldly® e-Zine Archives
Help
Wanted, Ready or Not
November 21,
2005
Why is it so darned hard to ask other people for help?
This seems to be a running theme with me and with many people I know. We
are ready, willing and able to help someone else when they need us, but we have
an almost pathlogical aversion to asking someone else to help us when we need
it.
Not being a therapist and therefore not being qualified to offer
expert psychological reasons for this common problem, I can only hazard a few
of my own theories or observations on why we avoid asking for help.
The main issue seems to be that we don't want to be seen as vulnerable, not in
control, or not having our act together. We want other people to see us as
strong, capable, and independent. We don't want other people to pity us or feel
sorry for us. We don't want to feel needy. So what do we do? We struggle on
alone far more often than we need to, until we are forced into situations where
we have to let someone else inside "the wall" to support us.
I admit
that I am a recovering help-a-phobic. I have been a "do it myself" girl as long
as I can remember. Early life experiences probably shaped my aversion to
getting help from others; things occured in my life where I made some emotional
decisions about "never wanting to need anyone ever again", because needing
someone or having to rely on someone only set me up for being disappointed or
abandoned or hurt. Or so my logic dictated. My perception of what was true may
or may not have been factually true, but it's how things felt to me, and as a
result I made certain decisions about how I would live my life independent of
needing others.
Of course, you can't control everything and sometimes
the rules we create for our lives stop working after awhile. Over time, my rule
about independence has been chipped away at, time and time again. Like the time
I fell in my home and broke my leg in three places - I sure needed a lot of
help for a while after that, until I was literally back up on my feet again.
Because of situations like that, I learned that I CAN ask for and accept help
and that it isn't the end of the world. People don't think less of me because
of it, and they still respect me.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still a
fiercely independent person and most likely will always be that way. But I have
had to learn to find the right balance between "needing someone or something"
(which is healthy) and "being emotionally needy" (which is unhealthy). I also
had to learn the distinction between allowing myself to be open to others
helping me (which means I have faith in the possibility that someone else will
WANT to help me and I am worth them taking the time to do so) versus having
unrealistic expectations about others helping me (which is where I could set
myself up for disappointment if I expect more from someone than they are able
to give).
Finding that balance means that sometimes I have to be
willing to ask for help from someone even when it is very uncomfortable for me
to do so. It's part of how I have to stretch beyond my comfort zone so that I
can accomplish something that is important to me. Take, for example, writing my
first book, which is coming out in just a few weeks. I realized that I could
make the book even better if I included some of the personal stories of other
published authors: how they got the idea to write a book, what they learned
along the way, what they would have done differently if they could. I also knew
I'd need some book endorsements for marketing purposes. And I knew that I would
get neither of those htings if I wasn't willing to ASK someone to give me what
I needed.
So, I have now contacted several people I know who have had
books published, and have asked for their help. It wasn't easy for me to do it,
but I'm so glad I did. Not only are they willing to help but I feel like a
better person for having reached out to them, and the book will be richer for
having included input from other people.
The bottom line is, most of
the time, people LOVE having the opportunity to do something for someone else.
They love to be needed, they love it when you value their opinion or wisdom or
expertise. It feels good when someone trusts you or respects you enough to ask
you for your help, support or information. Helping someone else is a gift, a
way we can give of ourselves in our own unique way.
So if you think
about it, when you are brave enough to ask for help, you are really GIVING that
person a gift because you are giving them your trust. And what better gift
could you possibly give?
No one succeeds entirely alone. Human beings need
other human beings; we need to be connected to one another. Part of being
connected means reaching out to help others, AND to allow others to have the
opportunity to support us from time to time.
Where do you need to ask
for some help right now? Where are you overwhelmed? Where are you overworked?
What projects are you working on where, if you asked someone for something, it
would make it easier or better in the long run? In what ways are you putting
yourself last on the list?
Now, who can you ask for some help? Who
has some special skill you can utilze? Who has the knowledge or expertise you
need to make the difference?
Remember that people are not
mind-readers. They may not notice you need help and automatically offer to
assist you -- especially if you have been putting on a particularly good show
of "having it all together". If you want help, go and ASK for it. Don't wait
until things collapse around you. It may be uncomfortable to admit you can't do
it all alone, but it won't kill you to do it and in the end, you will be so
glad you took that step.
For permission to
reprint this article, please contact
me.
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