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Living
Boldly® e-Zine Archives
The
Wishbone Never "Wins"
October 13,
2005
Question: What do you do when two people in
your life can't be around each other at all -- for very good reasons -- and you
want to maintain a relationship with both of them?
Answer: You become the
monkey in the middle.
I am in a situation right now where someone I
love a lot is very upset with me for being in contact with someone else that
the person I love dislikes quite a bit. (Did you follow all that?) More than
"quite a bit", actually, and the reasons are wholly justified. My being in
contact with this other person is apparently more painful to my loved one than
I had initially realized, and it is now clear to me that my actions are seen by
some as disloyal and a betrayal of sorts, even though this was never my
intention. And I don't know what to do about it, because NOT being in contact
with the second person is not an option for me.
What do you do when
life circumstances require you to be in relationship with someone - whether for
family reasons, business reasons, personal reasons, romantic reasons or ANY
reasons - and that relationship upsets the apple cart of your relationship with
other people around you? You can't change others - they are entitled to their
feelings.
But you are also entitled to make the choices in life you
feel are best for your own health, well-being and sanity. How do you do what
you know is best for YOU when you know someone else will also be unhappy about
it? You might say, "Well, if it hurts another person then you just shouldn't do
it!" But it's not always that simplistic, is it? Sometimes we have to do things
in life that we know are the absolute right things for us to do, even when
there is going to be fall-out in other areas.
It is so hard to realize
that sometimes, you simply can NOT please everyone. There are times when the
only solution that will really work for you is something that another person
will be furious about, and where the only solution that will please someone
else is not a choice you are ready or able to make. You are caught in the
middle, with no perfect solution, where there is literally nothing you can do
or say to change the way others feel, and when they are in so much pain that
they are unable to hear you out, unable to have a calm and rational discussion
about the situation, unable to feel any compassion for the pain YOU are in, and
where they clearly cannot bring themselves to care about your needs at all.
What can you do in a situation like that? Nothing, except remind yourself
that you know you did the best you could under the circumstances, and to let go
of any expectations of the hurt person "coming around" to your way of seeing
things. They might, or they might not. But that's their decision, not yours.
Your only job is to try to be as compassionate as you can, knowing others
aren't happy with you right now, but stand firm in your resolve and hope that
in time they will find a way to make their own peace with your choices. And let
go of the guilt because it won't help.
I know this in my head. But
it's a hard thing to put into practice. I know I can't win no matter what I
do.
I feel like the proverbial wishbone. And we all know what happens
to the wishbone when one of the two players tugs the wishbone and "wins", don't
we?
Cracked in two, every single time.
It's never a "win" for the
wishbone.
This
article was originally published in my blog,
The Bold Soul.
Are you the "wishbone"
or one of the "wishers" in a difficult three-way relationship?
If
you're one of the "wishers" then you need to think about how what you are
competing or arguing or fighting for is going to impact the third party - the
"wishbone" - and remember that in the wishbone game, the wishbone never
wins, it only BREAKS.
It may not be reasonable to expect the third person to take your side - they
may have perfectly good reasons why they may need, or want, to maintain contact
with you and with the person on the other side of the wishbone. You may feel
like it's unfair that they not "side with you", but what is really unfair is
you expecting them to end a relationship with someone else just because you
dislike that person. Don't force others to be the "wishbone" between you - it
is selfish and hurtful.
Example: two people, with children, who are
going through a divorce. Your children are the wishbone. They have no say in
what is going on between you and your ex-spouse. If you truly love your
children then you will do whatever you have to do to NOT put them in the
middle, because it changes who they are at a fundamental level. Divorce is hard
enough on a child without them having to feel they must choose sides between
their parents.
Now, if you are feeling like the "wishbone" and you are
being pulled to the breaking point by two other hostile players, job #1 for you
is to look after yourself and your own needs, and that means doing whatever you
need to do to get out of the line of fire. Once you "break", the damage is done
and sometimes things will be said that can never be un-said, things you will
regret later. Figure out a way to communicate to the other two people that they
will have to work it out between them but you are no longer going to be pulled
back and forth. And just step out of it, and STAY out. Save yourself.
Another example: Let's say you are good friends or work colleagues with two
people who have have a strong dislike for one another. You can probably still
be around both of them, whether together or individually, if you agree to stay
out of whatever is going on between them, and you make it clear to them that
you are not taking sides and you want to be left out of it. You can respect
that they dislike each other if they can learn to respect that you care about
each of them. Refuse to let them make you their "wishbone"!
For permission to reprint this article, please contact me.
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