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Living
Boldly® e-Zine Archives
Livin'
in Lie-ville
May 03, 2005
"To
Tell the Truth..." Once the name of an entertaining
TV show
that ran from 1969-1978, it's also a catch-phrase we use to preface a statement
when we want to emphasize that it's "the truth".
The odd thing about
that phrase is: if we're telling the truth in THAT moment - what are we doing
the rest of the time?
Have you ever stopped to consider how often you
tell the truth -- or rather, DON'T tell the truth? How often do you lie by
omission, when you could choose to be forthcoming with information? How often
do you tell a "little white lie" to a friend instead of telling her you really
don't care for her new hairstyle? And how many times have you really told an
outright whopper of a lie - either to get attention or to get out of some
perceived difficult situation?
The reason I decided to reflect on this
today is the recent media attention being given to a certain "Runaway Bride" in
Georgia. I have a pretty strong opinion on this woman's motivation for doing
what she did. I don't believe, as seems popular with one CNN psychologist, that
this girl is to be pitied because she had "no one to talk to" about her
"pre-wedding jitters" -- because I don't believe this was about the "jitters"
at all. I have a very strong feeling this was a stunt this girl pulled simply
to get a lot of attention focused on her (as if a wedding with 600 guests, 28
attendants, and 8 bridal showers wasn't enough?)
I vented about this
earlier today in my blog (read about that here), so I won't repeat myself. But I do have
to say, this has made me wonder how many people are out there lying about their
lives instead of just being who they are without feeling the need to lie?
Believe me, I am no saint myself, and I am probably as guilty as anyone of
the occasional little white lie designed to spare someone's feelings.
Sometimes, "total honesty" is a bit over-rated, and I see no need to hurt
someone else's feelings in a situation where it's simply not important for me
to express my honest opinion. If a friend gets a haircut or wears an outfit I
don't like, that's just MY opinion, and if she's perfectly delighted with what
she looks like, who am I to offer criticism just for the sake of telling the
truth? Besides - personal opinion as "truth" is subjective anyway, and MY truth
might not be the same as my friend's. A little tact is sometimes more
important.
But we're talking about the BIG lies. The ones that are
totally unnecessary, the ones that make us seem like someone we're not - just
for the sake of trying to get attention or boost our own egos. I think there
are a lot of people who are living this way, afraid that who they are isn't
good enough, so they make up stories or exaggerate the reality to make it more
interesting. What they are really doing is living a life that is a lie, or as I
like to call it, Livin' in
Lie-ville.
Lie-ville isn't a great place to live. On the
surface, it looks pretty, sounds pretty, and probably even smells pretty.
Everything looks wonderful to the casual observer; everyone is successful,
making lots of money, living the good life. In Lie-ville, your kids go to the
best schools and are top achievers. You wear a size 4. You live in a huge
house, with a great car, all fully loaded. You eat at the best restaurants. You
go to the best vacation spots. You always get the big promotion and the big
raise. You are simply the BEST at everything and life is PERFECT.
But
scratch beneath the superficial surface and you see something entirely
different. It's a lot like the Wisteria Lane of
Desperate
Housewives fame: pretty as a picture at first glance, but seething with
lies and secrets when you look deeper.
Living in Lie-ville takes a
tremendous amount of energy. To live there, you have to be someone with a lot
of fear and insecurity. You have conversations with yourself about how you HAVE
to tell these lies in order to be accepted by and admired by others, and you
put a lot of energy into convincing yourself you are "right". Some Lie-ville
regulars are so adept at this that they can even convince themselves that their
lies are "real"... at least for a while. Deep down, they know the truth, and
they are paying a steep price for the fiction they are living in.
Living in Lie-ville often causes people to go into debt, because they think
they need to spend more than they earn to maintain the APPEARANCE of a certain
"lifestyle". Living to a lifestyle and keeping up appearances are a key
requirements for residency in Lie-ville.
Living there also means your
relationships will never be fully satisfying, because you can't have a strong
and healthy relationship if one of the two people in it is living a lie.
I remember once, when I was in my mid-20's, telling a real tall tale to a
good friend of mine. It was a totally unnecessary lie, too, about how I had
dated some guy and about our relationship -- when the guy never even existed. I
remember thinking at the time: I can't believe I am even saying this, I don't
know why I'm doing this. And I felt very guilty about it from the start, too.
But it was like the words just popped out of my mouth.
It took a lot
of energy for me to concoct this story, and even more energy for me to maintain
the lie for even the very short time I did (I quickly realized I was in over my
head and "phased out" the fake boyfriend fast, and then never referred to him
again in conversation with this friend). Looking back, I am sure that on some
level, I did it because I wasn't dating anyone at the time, and my friend had a
great guy in her life, and I felt "left out". It was my own fear and
insecurities that drove the lie. Fortunately I got hold of myself fast and
never repeated the same mistake again. It was just too uncomfortable to live
that way.
People often lie out of fear. Fear of hurting someone else.
Fear of criticism or retribution from another. Fear of disappointing someone
else's expectations. Fear of what might happen if they did tell the truth.
People also lie out of deep insecurities within themselves. For any number
of reasons, they feel "less than" and "not good enough" - so they exaggerate or
lie to feel better about themselves and to get attention from others.
But acting from fear, insecurity and a need for attention is not going to get
you the kind of life you want. The choices you make when you are in a fearful
and insecure state are never going to bring you the satisfaction and GENUINE
attention you deserve. Wouldn't it be better to get attention for your ACTUAL
achievements rather than making yourself out to be a rocket scientist when
you're not? Wouldn't you rather be recognized as someone others can always
trust to tell the truth, than as an attention-seeking liar?
When we
lie or exaggerate, someone else almost always finds out about it or sees
through our stories, even if they don't tell us they're on to us. People who
need to create drama through lies are usually people that eventually drive away
friendships -- because liars are exhausting to be around. Compulsive liars and
attention-seekers usually fear that others won't love or accept them as they
are, so they lie to get the love and approval they seek - without realizing
that in the long run, they are creating the very thing they fear, because other
people won't put up with the lies forever. Sooner or later they will find
someone less needy to be around.
It's not about being perfect all the
time. I'm realistic and know that there will always be some circumstances in
life where we won't be truthful. The point is, when you make a conscious choice
to lie, and lie regularly, you are choosing a life that traps you in fear and
self-loathing. And when you make a DIFFERENT choice, to do your best to live
authentically and honestly to the best of your ability, in all circumstances,
then you will have a very different sort of life - one that will be much more
fulfilling, even if it's not the glamorous "lifestyle" you were living on the
surface when you lived over in Lie-ville.
So, whether it's the runaway
bride in this week's news, or someone you know in your own life who seems to
have a problem with truth-telling -- or even yourself! -- think about the
impact of telling the truth on your life. And understand that you always have a
choice about what kind of person you really want to BE. The choice is up to
you.
If you have realized
your mailing address should really be "Lie-ville" rather than where you thought
you were living - what do you want to do about that?
Start by taking
an inventory of the ways in which you've been lying - to yourself or to someone
else. This is not about beating yourself up - it's about creating a space of
honest awareness of your past choices.
As you are doing this exercise,
for each item on your list, do a cost/benefit analysis. Make some notes about
what you got out of the lie, and also what it COST you. What I mean is, you
wouldn't have lied if there wasn't some perceived benefit in it - so make a
note of that. And there is always some sort of cost or consequence for any lie,
even it it was only that you were the only one who knew and it was exhausting
you to keep up the pretense.
As you go through this proess, you may
notice certain patterns of behavior -- perhaps you tell the truth most of the
time but with certain people you find yourself lying. Try to get a sense of
what it is that triggers your need to lie in those situations.
Come up
with some strategies to change your habit of lying. If you tend to tell a lot
of small "white lies", come up with some new ways of handling those situations.
For example if someone asks you to do a favor and you don't really want to it,
but you often find yourself saying "yes" to avoid hurting someone, that's
another type of "lie". Instead of saying Yes immediately, try saying "I'm not
sure about whether I can do that for you. Let me get back to you." It allows
you to step back and think about whether or not you really want to/are able to
accomodate that person's request; and if you need to say No, it buys you some
time to come up with the most gentle way of doing so.
If you find
yourself lying on a bigger scale, and more frequently, you may need to "come
clean" with other people who are directly affected by your lies. Only you can
be the judge of whether or not this is appropriate, but when lying gets to be a
type of addiction, then as with any 12-step program, sometimes you need to try
and make things right and accept responsibility for your actions.
If
you discover that you may have a truly compulsive addiction to lying and that
you are lying most of the time, even about small things that aren't even
necessary, my strong recommendation is that you seek IMMEDIATE help from a
qualified therapist, because this may indicate a pathological condition you
will not be able to correct on your own. It may feel scary to seek out
professional help, but be courageous and take this important step - you will be
amazed at what a relief it will be to "come clean" about your problem with
truth-telling.
And for even the "recreational" liar who thinks your
exaggerations and stories aren't hurting anyone, stop and consider just how
much energy you have been putting into this behavior. I promise you, if you
redirect that same energy into more truthful and healthy channels, you will
actually start being able to DO some of the amazing things you dream about -
rather than lying about already having done them!
For permission to reprint this article, please contact me.
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