|
|
 |
Living
Boldly® e-Zine Archives
Going
back on a promise can be a GOOD thing (honest!)
January 17, 2005
I'm not someone who typically
goes back on a promise I've made to another person. When I say I'm going to do
something, my policy is "do it or die trying". OK, so I don't intend to
literally "die" but you get the point.
And for the most part, I've
also learned how not to overcommit myself so that I CAN follow through on my
promises. Whenever I am tempted to agree to do something that I may not really
want, or be able, to do and do well, I mentally recite a little mantra:
Under-promise and
over-deliver.
But sometimes, even someone with the best of
intentions can fall short of doing something they've promised to do. Such is
the case with me, and my public announcement in my last issue that I would be
launching a new e-coaching program in January, focusing on effectivess.
Although it's not a comfortable thing for me to admit, the reality is, I just
was not able to develop that program in a way that I was happy with, and I
simply could not put something out there that I couldn't be proud of, just for
the sake of fulfilling the promise I made.
People over commit
themselves for many reasons:
-- not wanting to disappoint someone
--
not wanting to make someone angry
-- wanting to be the "star" or "the nice
one" who always gets it done
-- to get attention: when you run around
feeling overwhelmed all the time and get to complain about it, it can be a
great attention-getter
And sometimes, we make a commitment with a
clear conscience and a clear schedule, but life intercedes and throws something
unexpected your way -- and suddenly you don't have the time or energy you
thought you would be able to devote to your earlier promise. Life is like that
- stuff happens.
When we over commit ourselves, no matter what the
reason, the reality is that we just can NOT be effective at anything we're
doing. We've spread ourselves too thin, and run the risk of doing a mediocre
job.
Now, here's the tricky part: most people have defined honesty and
integrity as doing what you say you will do. So the very idea of admitting you
can't get something done that you promised you'd do is tantamount to heresy!
"The very idea - you want me to go back on my WORD? I can't do that!"
I understand, believe me. I don't want to encourage anyeone to take their
commitments lightly and to drop out of sight the minute things get a bit
difficult. But there are some circumstances where it is actually MORE honest to
admit the truth, even if it means going back on a promise. Think about it: are
you being honest and truthful when you avoid your boss because he might ask you
how that big project is coming along - and you know darn well you won't meet
the deadline? Are you helping anyone when you promised to chair the local PTO
fundraiser but you're so overwhelmed you are making mistakes?
Trust
me, the embarrassment you might feel by having to tell the truth - "I'm not
going to be able to do that when I said I would" - is far less than the
embarrassment you would experience if you don't get the job done well and on
time. Wouldn't it be preferable to say, "Due to some unexpected things that
have come up, I won't be able to chair that committee after all" -- and then of
course, do whatever you CAN do to make the transition an easy one. Ask for help
from a colleague to make the deadline. Offer to co-chair and share the
responsibilities. By giving the other people who are involved fair warning, and
not putting it off until it's too late, you are showing your respect for THEIR
needs and even their public reputation.
Sometimes, going back on a
promise is entirely the right thing to do. In so doing, you are putting your
respect for others ahead of your own ego.
So, instead of delivering
the coaching product I promised, I am delivering the truth: I didn't get it
done, and chances are I won't be doing it at all. I'm not even going to bother
making excuses because it is what it is. If things change and I decide to
develop this project further, you will be the first to know. But for now, I'm
releasing myself of the obligation to follow through on this promise, this
time.
WHEW! That felt GOOD!
Where are you over-committed right now in your life?
Here are some
signs of being over-committed:
-- highly stressed out
-- avoiding
certain people or situations because they might ask you "how's that coming
along?" and you don't have a good answer
-- anxiety symptoms or panic
attacks
-- feeling "put upon" by others (when in reality, it's your own
fault you've got too much on your plate)
If there are situations
taking place right in your life that fall into this category, it's time to
think about what you can reasonably let go of, or in lieu of that, renegotiate.
If you are on too many committees, which ones can you drop? If your kids are
into too many extracurricular activities and all you do is drive them around,
where might you have to set some boundaries (and trust me, if YOU are
overwhelmed they probably are too!)? If you've got too much on your plate at
the office, can you negotiate with your boss or a colleague to shift some
things around in some way, so that things CAN get done and done WELL?
It takes courage to admit when you're in over your head. Don't compound the
situation further by being in denial about it. Just tell the truth, do what you
can to salvage or help out, and give yourself permission to let it go and move
on.
For permission to reprint this article,
please contact me.
|
Why struggle with your writing, and why wait?
Contact me today to discuss your project!
|
The Writing Coach's
Guide