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Living
Boldly® e-Zine Archives
Feed the
Need, and then, Succeed!
August 09, 2004
How our core
needs can drive our choices and behaviors, for better or for worse
Have you ever been really frustrated with yourself, when you catch
yourself doing something you KNOW is unproductive - like a bad habit you're
trying to break, but can't? Or wasting time doing one thing when you know you
need to be doing something else. You end up watching TV when you "should" be
preparing for that big presentation you have to give in three days. You light
up a cigarette or eat another donut or bite your nails in reaction to something
stressful that happened that day, rather than making the effort to figure out
what's really bothering you. You fritter away precious hours on the internet
when you could be catching up on your reading. Then you find yourself thinking,
"What the heck is the matter with me? I know what I SHOULD do for myself, but
why don't I do it?" What is really driving your behaviors and choices? What's
really behind all those bad habits and distracting activities?
Let me
introduce you to the concept of Core Needs. These aren't needs in the sense
of "basic life needs" - food, money, shelter, water, and some level of social
interaction with others. I'm talking about an entirely different category of
needs - Needs with a capital "N". Our Core Needs are those things that we, as
individuals, MUST have present for us to be whole and complete human beings --
but for whatever reason, are missing in our lives. These Needs, when they
aren't being fully satisfied or "met", can literally push us into choices and
behaviors that aren't in our own best interest - such as bad habits, bad
behavior/acting out with others, self-sabotage, wasting time in unnecessary
activities as a means of distracting ourselves, or in extreme cases,
addictions.
Needs are not optional - everybody has them, although we
each have different Core Needs. Needs are extremely powerful things in our
lives, and until we're willing to be aware of them and take steps toward
resolving them, they can really get in the way of success and can even cost you
your well-being.
There are all kinds of Needs that can drive us, if
we let them. Here are just a few that may feel familiar to you, although can be
are scores of others:
* Acceptance - wanting to be included in a
group
* Approval - being attached to the good opinion of others
*
Acknowledgement - wanting a continuous "pat on the back"
* Be liked -
wanting to be thought of as a "nice" person or a "good" person
* Be right -
wanting to "win", to be superior to others
* To Control - wanting to
control others, or simply wanting strict control over yourself
* Be perfect
- wanting to be seen as being without human flaws of any kind
* Freedom -
wanting no restrictions, no limitations, no structure
Now, in and of
themselves, these Needs are not necessarily bad things. After all, isn't it
nice to be acknowledged? Don't we all enjoy a bit of freedom? Isn't it a great
feeling when we are liked or accepted? Don't get the idea that you are in some
way wrong for having your needs - we all have them, it's part of being human.
However, if your unmet Needs are pushing you to make choices that aren't
working in your life, then it's time to stop and examine them, and to consider
what other choices or behaviors might work better. As the infamous Dr. Phil has
been known to say, "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge."
Let's
look at an example. Let's say that one of your core Needs is the need to be
liked or the need for approval from others. Yes, we all want to be liked and we
all want approval to some degree. But if this is a Need for you (again, with a
capital "N") and if you are not aware of it being a driving force in your life,
then chances are, you are creating or attracting circumstances into your life
that are frustrating and painful - and doing so over and over again. For
instance, you might have a very hard time saying "No" to anything or anyone,
with the unhappy result that you often feel victimized, used, abused, put upon,
taken advantage of, misunderstood, unappreciated... and perhaps, also guilty
for WANTING to say "No" sometimes, because
"I want to be a nice person,
and a nice person wouldn't say No when 'they' need me!"
The
Need to be liked or accepted or approved of can drive you to put your own
personal needs last, which can have disastrous consequences. It's not easy to
get past this particular need either, because culturally and socially, you are
probably getting lots of reinforcement from others for continuing the behavior.
How do you identify
your own core Needs?
Start by examining any situations in your
life where you can see a clear pattern of behavior that isn't working for you.
If there is something that seems to happen over and over in your life, chances
are, there's a hidden Need at work there. Look at what those situations may
have in common for clues... then give it a name or a label, and that's what
you'll call that particular Need.
Let me share an example from my own
life. I have always been someone that dislikes rules and structure. If someone
says "you should do such-and-such" I will hear the word "should" and want to do
the exact opposite (and don't think this didn't create a lot of youthful
rebellion issues between me and my mother!) I have always questioned "the
rules" and tend not to want to abide by them if they don't make sense to me. I
tend to stubbornly resist structure in my life because it feels like it's
impeding my freedom. For a long time, I proudly held the belief that Freedom is
one of my core Values, something I use to steer my course in life, something I
wore like my badge of honor... but one day I began to realize that Freedom was
actually a core Need of mine, and one that was creating more problems than
opportunities.
"Freedom" is of course a very good thing, in the
purest sense. But like anything else, if you take it too far it can become a
liability. If I resist structure in my life, if I don't want to stick to any
kind of schedule, I've discovered that very little gets accomplished and I feel
unhappy with myself. As a freelance professional, that's not a good thing and
could create some serious problems in effectively managing my business
affairs.
If I play the Freedom card as my excuse not to exercise a
little self-discipline, it affects my health, my well-being, and even my bank
account! There have many, many times, I'm embarrassed to admit, where I have
conveniently rationalized my choices by telling myself it was all about being
"free" - and the consequences have been excessive debt and weight gain.
Once I became aware that for me, Freedom is much more of a Need than a
Value, and I could see the damage I was doing by ignoring it as such, it became
simple to see that something had to change. Simple, yes - but easy to change in
actual fact, no.
How do
you break or eliminate the Need, once you know what it is?
Sometimes, simply becoming AWARE of one of your Needs, and the profound
negative impact it has been having on your life, can be enough. Once you're
aware of it, you may be able to keep it in mind and simply choose something
better next time the Need surfaces. By being aware of my Freedom need, for
instance, I can often quickly and easily recognize it when it shows up and make
better choices without struggling with it a bit.
Other times the Need
may be so deeply engrained in the form of a bad habit, or even an addiction,
that more deliberate action and support may be required. You may need to
develop a strategy and plan for how you want to do things differently than in
the past, and this may take some time and work on your part. You may need to
enlist the support of a close, trusted friend, a professional life coach, or
even a therapist or a 12-step program (I strongly urge you seek the latter in
the case of addictions or deeper emotional issues with your Needs). Don't be
afraid to reach out for whatever support you feel is necessary to help you
change whatever isn't working in your life!
Dealing with resistance to
change, from others in your life...
There are usually some
pretty powerful emotional "payoffs" for our Needs, payoffs for continuing the
bad behaviors. You must be getting something out of the bad behavior, or you
wouldn't keep doing it, right? Even though you might be exhausted by the
demands your Need is placing on you, at the same time, you can become almost
addicted to those payoffs - and therefore it becomes even harder to break the
cycle.
The effects of the Need itself can often be the payoff. If
part of your Need involves wanting the good opinion of others, it can be very
scary to think of "their" potential reaction when you change your behavior. In
many cases, what we imagine is much worse than what will actually happen, so do
try to put things in proper perspective - it's probably not going to be as bad
as you think. People tend to resist change, but they also tend to adapt rapidly
when they don't have much of a choice in the matter. If you are doing something
healthy for yourself, just keep doing what you need to do, and trust that in
time those resistant others in your life will "get over it" and life will go on
with your relationship intact (and frankly, your relationship might be
healthier, too). When people truly care about you, they will grow along WITH
you - once they get past the initial discomfort or surprise at the "new
you".
However, the reality is that some people in your life may have a
HUGE problem with you acting differently, even in cases where the changes you
are making don't impact the other person that much. They are just not used to
seeing you behave in a new way, and it upsets their view of their world.
Remember that if this happens, it's more about THEM than it is about YOU. They
have their own issues, their own "stuff" to deal with, and that's not your
fault nor is it your problem to solve. All you can do is continue working on
changing whatever you want to change in your life for the better, and do the
best you can to be sensitive to the fact that others may have some strong
feelings or opinions - but it doesn't mean they're right and you're wrong, they
just have a different viewpoint.
Or perhaps the changes you are making
DO have a very direct impact on someone else, and it is painful or simply
inconvenient for the other person when you change; therefore they might tend to
be very resistant and sometimes even downright awful about it. For example, if
your next door neighbor is used to being able to dump her kids on you for free
baby-sitting any time she asks, because you've been operating from your Need to
be liked and have never said "No" to her before, she might well feel hurt or
insulted when you tell her you're not available any more. Don't take it
personally - remember that her reaction is all about HER and not about you.
A word about family members and resistance to change: this is the
most difficult situation to cope with, I know. We care about the opinions of
our family, especially parents, siblings and spouse, and the hold their good
opinion has on us can be very strong. If you are making positive changes in
your life, and are not receiving support from those closest to you, it can be
very tempting to question what you're doing: "Maybe what I'm doing isn't really
right, because it seems to be upsetting everyone else!"
DO NOT FALL
INTO THIS TRAP! Just because someone you love has a hard time with you
changing, doesn't mean the changes are wrong. Learn to trust your intuition and
instincts as they regard your own life choices. If something feels right for
YOU, if you know it is healthy for YOU, then don't let other people's reactions
and opinions stand in your way. You will need to be more creative in finding
other people to support you, and you will need to be firm in your resolve to
continue forward on your own path, despite with your family says, does or
thinks about it. In the end, you must be true to yourself first. Be sensitive
to the fact that they are entitled to their opinions and feelings, but don't
let it stand in your way of doing what's best for YOU.
...And dealing with resistance in
yourself
If the resistance to change is coming from YOU, then
the payoff may be your own great attachment to your comfort. Change is never
easy and it's usually uncomfortable at first. We are creatures of habit and we
like our "comfort zone", so the attraction is strong to stay where we are
comfortable. We don't want to rock the boat. We don't want other people to be
unhappy with us for changing because their reactions are uncomfortable for us.
If change equals "The Unknown", we may consciously or unconsciously choose "the
evil we know" over the one we don't know - meaning, we'll revert back to our
old comfortable habits simply because they are familiar and KNOWN to us,
especially if we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
Another reason
for your resistance to change is that the negative behaviors and choices you
are making may provide a distraction from something you don't want to face -
the possibility of your own incredible SUCCESS. Fear of success is one of the
most debilitating feelings, and can really keep a person stuck. If you find
yourself making some amount of progress toward a big goal, but then you find
yourself sabotaging your own efforts, then what you're doing is keeping that
Need fed in an unhealthy way because it provides you with a "good excuse" not
to fully succeed in life. When you can understand that your fear of success is
causing you to rely on the Need as a distraction, it can be easier to work
through the fear and take positive action IN SPITE OF the fear.
If you
are experiencing this internal resistance, in the form of self-sabotaging your
own best efforts to change, don't beat yourself up. Remember that you are only
human and therefore imperfect - and that's OK (and for those of you with a Need
for Perfection, I can hear your gasps of horror at the very idea that
imperfection is OK! Take a deep breath or two.) Change takes time, and you may
stumble along the path. But with every positive step forward you make, you are
getting closer to meeting the Need and putting it in its proper place.
How do you know when a Need is
fully "met"?
Sometimes, by fully meeting your Need in a healthy
way, it may disappear altogether - or at least, it will never again drive you
in ways you don't want. But the truth is, your Need may never fully disappear.
It's simply a part of who you are as a unique individual. From time to time, it
may "call" to you and ask to be "fed". By becoming aware of your Needs, and
creating ways to "feed" them in a healthy manner (vs. your old, unhealthy
habits), you will have the tools you need to meet any Need that occasionally
resurfaces - and it will cease to control you and have a negative impact on
your life.
Don't fight with your Need, embrace it. Another way to look
at your Need is that it may be a reflection of one of your individual gifts or
strengths. Sometimes, our negative traits are just the flip side of one of our
greatest attributes, but "over-amplified". For instance, I'm a great talker
(those of you who know me personally, you can stop rolling your eyes and
laughing now!) I love conversation and verbal interaction with others - it's a
source of delight and positive energy for me. This is a strength and a gift,
when I use it appropriately, such as doing a motivational talk in front of an
audience, coaching a client, or simply enjoying an interesting discussion with
a friend or with someone I've met socially. The flip side is that if I let it,
it can get out of hand to where I'm doing more talking than listening (not good
when coaching someone) or when I drift off topic into annoying tangents. The
Need that is showing itself, when the negative aspects of being talkative
appear, is either the Need to be Included, the Need for Attention or the Need
to be Respected (i.e., thought of as the expert), depending upon the situation
I'm in.
By becoming aware of these occasional Needs in myself, I can
now quickly recognize them when they do appear, and can correct my behavior
instantly, and I'm much happier with the results and with myself. I don't
expect the Needs to completely disappear, but over time and with some effort on
my part, they have greatly reduced their negative impact on my life - and now I
can focus on using my talkative nature, in healthy, productive ways, as the
gift that it actually is!
When you embrace your Needs as part of your
unique humanness, and when you develop healthy ways of "feeding" them when they
beg to be fed, you can significantly reduce the hold they have on you. This, in
turn, frees up an enormous amount of energy (not to mention time) that you can
then channel into your work, your personal life, your community, your health -
into any special project that might catch your fancy.
Remember:
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing
over and over, and expecting different results." - Benjamin
Franklin
You can stop the insanity in your own life by
dealing with your Needs in a new, healthy way. Take it a step at a time. Start
with awareness first. Then, come up with some alternative ways of doing things
in response to the Needs - develop your strategy for feeding those Needs in
creative new ways that are in alignment with who you are and what you want for
your life. Ask for support from others as you feel it is appropriate. Manage
your expectations of others and their reactions to you changing. And in a short
time, you will begin to see wonderful results in your life, perhaps even
succeeding in ways that feel miraculous to you!
Let's sum
up:
1. Core Needs are not optional. We all have them. It's a "Need"
when it is causing you to behave in ways that aren't serving you well, or where
you are engaging in unproductive or destructive behaviors or choices.
2. To figure out your own Needs, look for patterns of behavior in your life
that you have experienced over and over. Figure out what the common element is
- that's probably a "Need" in action.
3. Examine how the need is
driving you to behaviors and choices that aren't supporting the kind of life
you want, or in creating the kind of person you want to become.
4.
Think about some creative, HEALTHIER ways to get the need met -- including
asking others to support and help you!
For instance, I once had a
client who identified her need for "Love". She was a divorced mother of 2 and
currently had no man in her life. To get her need for Love met in a healthy
way, she had a talk with her children to tell them some specific ways in which
they could show they love her. (This was done without guilt or pressure, by the
way.) She asked her daughter if she would please set the table for dinner every
night so it was done before she (the mother) came home from work -- and her
daughter not only accomodated, but went to an extra special effort to set the
table BEAUTIFULLY and make it very attractive! And she had a similar request
for her son, which he also did with a willing spirit. The point is - other
people who love us, WANT to be able to show that love, and it's OK to tell
someone something specific they can do to show their love. It's all in the
delivery - you're not DEMANDING it, you're REQUESTING it as a way of asking for
support.
So, how can YOU come up with your own creative ideas to ask
others to help you get your needs met in healthy ways?
For permission to reprint this article, please contact me.
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